Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
