she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
