FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I need to align my fucking chakras
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
