i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
