Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
