You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
