She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
3 2 1 whiskey
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Everclear isn't food dammit
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
