I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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