So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
