the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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