I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
