I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
