I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
