I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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