dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
