You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
