made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
