He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize