so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My breath smells like gin and sadness
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
