I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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