I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
so much tequila, so little girl.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
