I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
