This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
