I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
