Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
