Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
