i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
