dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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