Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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