my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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