And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
