God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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