I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
