I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
third nipple confirmed
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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