I feel great
I just peed on a car
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
