The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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