Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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