Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
