allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Randomize