I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I have fence marks all over my body
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
