the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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