Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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