it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
