I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize