well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
