one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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