what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
