We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
