i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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