My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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