I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
