I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize