I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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