I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
