Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
