even my farts smell like vagina
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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