If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
