You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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