Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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