I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
