im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
