I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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