nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
