my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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