Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
