From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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