I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize