I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
