Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
