They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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