I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
